"Vulnerable? Isn't that weak? Why would I?", you ask, "Why would I want to be vulnerable? Isn't being vulnerable and weak is so easy that it is too common, that majority of women are naturally vulnerable? Why would I want to be part of the statistics? I feel safer and comfortable to always be on my guard. No one's gonna hurt me. I'm independent and successful. Why would I need anything else?"
Or perhaps, "Oh, I already AM open. I read books and take in people's suggestions. I am open to new ideas and willing to incorporate it into my thought process."
Or, "I get what you mean. Please show me how. I want to be open and vulnerable too, but I'm not sure I dare to, and I'm not sure what it truly means to be open and vulnerable."
If you responded like one of the above, I celebrate for you.
Celebrate for the feeling of comfort that you feel, when you are confident that you can take care of yourself, and be contented for what you already have.
Celebrate for the confidence and freedom that you feel, knowing that you can be happy just being yourself, by yourself.
Celebrate that you are self-sufficient, and that you know how to protect yourself from things that could potentially hurt you.
Celebrate that you are an intelligent woman who constantly seek knowledge and pursue wisdom.
Celebrate that you are a strong woman that you dare to be different and shine along with your uniqueness.
And today, I want to give you an insight to another kind of openness and vulnerability that would set you free for being comfortable living your true emotion.
Let's begin with a question....
How would you respond under these circumstances?
I want you to take your time imagining what you would do if you are faced with these circumstances.
Imagine, your man requests for "a break".
You ask him, "Are we... breaking up? Forever? You mean.... this is all over?". He replied, "Honestly, I really don't know what I want anymore..... I found myself feeling bored lately. I don't know what I am going to do in life."
In the end of the conversation, you never get the assurance whether the two of you are actually really breaking up or just 'taking a break, for a while'.
You feel the pain in your heart. That deep sadness... and humiliation. He's leaving.
You're wondering, is this your fault? You're wondering, "What did I do wrong? Have I been boring? Is there another woman? Has he just been using me all along?"
You started to doubt yourself. You ask yourself, why is every man who has ever shown any form of attraction for you, eventually lose interest in you within a few months.
What would you do in such situation?
Would you keep pushing for a verbal assurance whether the two of you are really done for good, or just taking a temporary break?
Or would you accept that, regardless what and no matter what the reason is, it is what he is feeling, and surrender to his decision?
Would you truly be present during those times when you be single and truly both surrender to the pain and celebrate the joy of it? Or would you immediately distract yourself with new hobbies or charity activities just for the sake of feeling good about yourself?
Would you run away from the feeling of sadness and humiliation by distracting yourself with alcohols, cigarettes, and casual sex with many men without spending some time for yourself accepting the break and surrendering to the pain, before moving on?
Imagine another scenario. Your man has not been texting you for 5 days. 5 days. And you started to get worried.
You feel worried, is he losing interest? Is there another woman coming into his life? Or is it that he's coming back to his ex?
What would you do.
Would you text him "Hello???" with anger and blame, and judgement?
Or worse, will you ignore him back just so you don't lose the 'power' in the relationship?
When he finally text you, will you say "Finally! You text me! Duh!"
Or, would you accept the fact and admit that his action hurts you it makes you feel abandoned?
Would you then text him in genuine vulnerability and deep desire for connection, asking him why he did that and tell him that his action makes you feel scared and lonely?
Or, is it that because of the genuine connection and attunement that exist in the relationship, you kinda 'get it' why the relationship should be in that state, that you too need your space and that you don't really 'miss' him during those times, because when you do be with him, you be totally present with him and enjoy every single minute that passes with him?
Another example; a business relationship.
Imagine you are a businesswoman, and that you are looking for a business partner.
What kind of person will make you put your trust in him and get you to invest in him? Will you take the time to get to know him before your invest in him?
Similarly, in hiring an employee...
Hiring a person is a form of investment, in that person. You will be spending your budget on his training, his salary, possible bonus, and the sharing of sensitive information about your company's activity, and also not to mention your feelings and connection with that person. You sure will want to invest in someone whom you find valuable to you.
What kind of prospective employee would make you willing to invest in him? How would he behave? What are his values?
Another example in life. This time, has nothing to do with relationship. This is about certain things in life whereby the outcome of which you have no control over.
Imagine you are investing in the stock market, hoping to make some profit out of it.
You bought that stock with your hard earned money. But then, its price goes down and you are losing money.
What would you do? Are you going to feel sad that your plan didn't work out despite at that careful planning and projection?
Are you going to own that decision and move on? After all you made that decision for a reason.
Would you still trust your gut feeling, despite this loses, knowing that what will happen in the future has nothing to do with what happens now?
Are you going to blame the investing instructor that you hired, or your stock broker? Are you going to blame the market for your losses?
Is it too painful to you to trust your gut feeling, that you instead blindly follow a system to execute your order?
Are you suppressing your true feelings out of fear?
I understand that such things aren't easy to handle.
It takes courage to be able to surrender to your feelings and the way things happen.
That's why we respect kind and open people, because they are so valuable and rare.
Oh, and another thing to remind you....
Are you recently feeling that you are not having your ideal weight because you can't help but keep eating , because it makes you feel some sort of comfort?
Have you been smoking, drinking, and relying on substance heavily and just can't stop it?
That maybe because you are running away from your own feelings. You are scared to face your feelings.
That's okay, everyone has fears. Now that you are aware of it, you will know how to be brave.
"Being vulnerable exposes me to pain. So why would I do that?"
It is true that being open and vulnerable is scary; you will be exposed to the potential of a painful truth.
But as long as you are human, who is living and have feelings, you are going to feel pain anyway, whether you dare to admit it or not.
The thing is, emotions that are not felt will linger in a form of bitterness and anger. You will constantly feel that grumpiness and reject everybody around you.
When you are being closed off, you will not only block off that genuine feeling of fear, but also the true ecstasy of life.
Imagine if you are always so sticky to your boyfriend, just because every minute, all you have in your mind is fear that he will lose interest in you. Fear that he will disappear from you someday.
So, instead of surrendering to the truth that anyone can leave you anytime and accept it, you are trying to control him.
Instead, when you meet him, all you got is tension and resentment, instead of true connection.
Why would anyone get into a relationship like this in the first place? Isn't a relationship supposed to be a place where you can enjoy the connection and company of someone?
When you open up your heart and choose to be vulnerable; by surrendering to the truth that anyone can leave you anytime and accept it; you will feel the genuine pain when he is away from you.... so deep ... that when you finally see him, you will be happy beyond measure and truly enjoy his company.
When you are being closed off, you will miss out a few clues that helps you make decision.
If you are always consoling yourself, saying that "Oh he's probably just busy, that's why he is not answering my phone.", instead of vulnerably asking, "Why is he not answering my phone?" and be ready to accept the real truth, then you are not allowing the truth to be known.
What if the truth is that he just really not into you? Will you accept a man who is just giving you the bare minimum attention to keep you stay? Will you waste all of your resources just for a man who isn't really into you in the first place?
Being with a man who is not really into you is an insult to the one man who loves you painfully for who you truly are.
There's a man out there, waiting for you to come into his life, and when you do, the two of you will feel like the luckiest people in the world, because there is so much attraction and connection in the relationship. Imagine if he knows, that you are with a man who doesn't value you the way he does.... won't his heart be aching for you? Doesn't he deserve better?
Attune your heart to his, and your surroundings : How to practice it
Because your gut feeling is there to guide you. Every step of your way.
Here are 3 simple steps that you can follow to practice receptiveness:
1. Try to imagine what it feels like to be them. What would you do if you are placed in their position. Why would you do things that they do.
Have you ever imagined... what if you are born not as who you are today? What if you are born as a man?
What if you are born as your friend, or as the cricket in the prairies instead....
How will your life be like? What will be your fears and dreams? Why would you do the things you do?
If you can choose to start understanding where others are coming from, you will no longer hold judgement against them and you will have a reason not to blame them for things that happens.
2. Be present.
Because this is when you make the most of out of your time.
Think about it.... what is the most important thing in the world...
Why do many people want beautiful relationship... beautiful kids... beautiful house... achievements... money... pride... and all that stuff?
Because they create feelings. They create memories.
Actually the memories are the one thing that truly matters. Because it will stay in you.
Once time pass, it will never come back.
When you are dying, what makes you feel prepared to say "yes, I have lived my life in the best way I could and that I feel contented. I am ready to go now"?
3. Re-sensitize yourself.
The next time a person criticize you or give you a feedback, take your time to feel through it. Feel your immediate reaction within your body. Feel your immediate feelings.
Feel that hurt when they tell you you are not that perfect. Even if you know logically, for sure, that nobody is perfect.... and that being imperfect serves its purpose in some way.
Feel that surprise as you probably don't see it coming.
Feel that great, ass-kickin' feeling, as you know that someone actually bothers about you and make some comments on you. Rather than having no-one cares about you, am I right? :)
Feel it. Take your time. A second or two. Or a minute. Before you truly come up with your response. And after the moment has passed.
And then be grateful... that you are alive... you feel because you are alive. Cherish that, for one day it may never come again.
So much better than being defensive and rejecting, isn't it?
But... what if I am scared? What about the potential disappointment?
The decision that you make for yourself, based on your comfort level and gut feeling, is always the right one, for you.
Even when you think the outcome turns out to be not so favorable, at first.
It may not be right for others, but it is right for you.
Your perception is your reality. Most of the things in this world exist as what they are; with no meaning. It is just what it is. What gives meaning to it is the person who perceive it.
Similarly, what is right for others may not be right for you either, based on your conditions and your believes.
Imagine this. You have a boyfriend, who is busy, for 'some reason' (he could be really busy with work, or busy with hitting multiple women at the same time, or just plain neglectful).
You can feel, in your body, that you know you need much more attention than this.
Or, your gut feeling simply tells you that no matter how busy a man is, if he truly cares, he will give more attention to his woman. And that if a man is truly interested in you, he will at least show some behavior that tries to prevent other man from occupying your mind.
You can feel that his lack of attention and disappearing act at certain hours just simply means that you are not his only option.
You have 2 options on what to do.
Option 1 : You can listen to your gut feelings and tell him how you feel about this.
Option 2 : You can console yourself, telling yourself that you are overthinking and overreacting.
Why? Because you are too scared to lose him, because you like him too much?
Or worse, you choose to swallow anything he does to you as long as you get his resources (money, power, facilities, popularity, etc.). Or simply because you want a relationship, no matter who you are with.
By the way, desperation is the killer of attunement.
If you are focusing on what you can get out of a man, you will be blocking your feelings about him just to get what you want. In the long run, you will be paying the price for it.
If you choose Option 1 and he acknowledges your needs, understanding that you are invested in him, and ready to open his heart and get himself to invest more in you, then he will become the man that you desire, and your gut feeling will tell you that he cares about you.
If you choose Option 1 and he left, knowing that you will not tolerate any less than what you deserve, this is probably best for you.
If you choose Option 2, you will be left unfulfilled. Why would you invest your resources in a man who doesn't invest in you? You deserve better than that.
You see, the more vulnerable and open you are, the more attuned you are to your feelings as well as to a person's intention, the more you can see through them.
There might be other woman whose attachment style is similar to him and finding no problem with his action. Then that's fine. It is what is suitable for her and that man.
You should not follow others just for the sake of following, because it is their decision, based on their own situation and condition, not based on yours. You should not do things that you don't believe in.
Sometimes, the only way to create relationship with someone (or something) is by experiencing and suffering a disappointment.
If you can accept disappointment with vulnerability and total acceptance, without anger and blame, you internalize that person (or thing) into your system. As if you are integrating it with you!
When you accept a disappointment, or a damage, or sacrifice something that is meaningful to that person, you are establishing trust with that person.
Let me give you an example:
Imagine have been travelling to a foreign country, and today you are going back home to your country. In the airport you started to get hungry, so you walk to a food stall. You ordered your food, and in a few minutes, your food is served and you are collecting it from the counter.
You are so happy when you see that rolled sandwich staring at you with its bacon, cheese, and lettuce in it.
Suddenly you realize that you have been running out of cash of that country's currency. So you offered to pay with your credit card.
Somehow the system gets faulty and your payment is unsuccessful.....
Because you are unable to pay, you have to return that sandwich to the counter lady.
You are so disappointed... and a little worried that you'll get very hungry... when suddenly a man sees you and immediately identified your problem.
So he approached you and the counter lady, and cover the payment for you. Without even knowing you. Without even expecting anything from you.
How would you feel about that man? Gratitude? Connection? Intrigue?
Would you want to know more about him? If he is so nice to you when you are stranger to each other, do you wonder... how even nicer he will treat you when you get close to him?
That's how I feel about how openness makes me a happier person. Let me know how you think about it in the comments below. Also, feel free to share moments whereby you are happiest when you be vulnerable. Let me know also, if you have any other way in which we can all practice vulnerability.
With love, as always,
The Profound Woman