"I give up... I give up hope in relationship..... I can't even get a long term consistent boyfriend, how am I supposed to ever get married and have a family of my own?", said my friend, "Men are just too complicated.... No matter what I do, I can't just get him to consistently pursue me, let alone commit to me."
What do you feel in your gut when you hear such exasperation? Can you relate to her? What do you think causes her to feel that way? Or wait, is her comment felt entirely blind-sided to you?
Why do we THINK we can't understand men?
Many times when we say we fail to understand a man, it is not because we are not intuitive enough to be able to feel him.
Most of the time, it is simply a result of not being able to get the reaction that we expected from him, despite having done what we think is necessary to get that certain reaction from him.
Perhaps we pretended to be not too easily impressed to get him to do more for the relationship, and yet we never hear from him anymore.
Perhaps we withheld ourselves from checking him out just to avoid being labeled as desperate and obsessive, and yet he never check on us either.
Perhaps we showed him how sexy, smart, beautiful, and independent we are so that he sees us as a potential serious long term mate, and instead of wanting a serious long term committed relationship with us, he left after he got what he wanted.
Perhaps we sat him down on a couch and asked him to open up about his feelings, and he said nothing but "Nothing. Just chilling out."
Perhaps we talked to him about demanding more commitment from him and yet he got defensive and got further away instead.
After all these unexpected turn of event, we blame men and complain that they are hard to understand.
Unfortunately, there's no hard and fast rule....
... although some general guidance may be there. But still, each man are different. Context are different.
That's why this world is beautiful. And that each jar has its lid.
And if you can embrace the beauty of uncertainty in life, while at the same time surrender to the downside possibility of outcome of it, then you can handle any situation..., anyone...., anywhere.
There are some theories that says :
A man's mind is like a house, with many rooms in it. There's a room for his job. There's another room for his relationship. And then there's this ginormous huge room for sex. And he can only be at one room at one point in time.
A man needs emptiness to focus, to perform well at his job. That's why, after spending some time with you, he needs to pull away to his state of emptiness to be able to carry on his life duty as a man.
A man's greatest fears around relationship are: staying virgin for the rest of his life and having no chance to procreate, inability to provide, inability to satisfy his woman, raising a baby that is not his, and having his woman sleep with other man.
A masculine man thrives in challenge. They constantly seek the adrenaline rush and want to solve problems.
A man is inherently under the constant pressure to be the provider and the pillar of strength. This is why they tend to hide their feelings and vulnerabilities. They are taught that showing emotions is weak.
Well, that's a glimpse of a man's world.
But don't you believe that there is more to it?
Don't you feel that just knowing hard facts like that make you feel like there's something.... missing? Like missing uniqueness and authenticity..... the unique and authentic individual your man is?
Well then, I want to share with you how you can understand your man deeper into who he truly is.
Here are some 9 steps you can practice to increase your understanding about YOUR man:
1. Total Unconditional Acceptance for Things as It Is, The Way It Is.
Most of the times, things are just what it is. It is what it is. No meaning. No value. At all. The one that gives it meaning, or value, is us, humans.
The same goes for a man's action. It is just what it is. What he does.
For example, your man has not been returning your text for 15 minutes.
Why does he do so? Well, we'll never know unless we ask him. Or, unless we know him so well, we know for sure that at such timing he is busy at work operating a patient, or simply having his 15 minutes break of lonesome time!
Does he do so to hurt you? Or to make you angry? Hmmm... most likely not. Not at all.
Well, you may feel hurt... maybe because just three months ago, when you just knew him and that the relationship is fresh new and exciting, he never take any longer than 3 seconds to reply you.
Now that he does, you start to feel the fear of losing his interest. You start to wonder if the excitement around you starts to wear off. You wonder if you have not been looking the best when you last saw him... and all those crazy thoughts in our mind as a woman!
The thing is, what you feel about things is never wrong. Accepting the way things are does not mean that you should bury your feelings deep down and never let it out.
Your feelings about things are never wrong; the way you put a meaning to it, could be. The way you perceive meaning to things, could be.
Because, yes, it hurts that your relationship has not been as exciting and as mind-blowing as it used to be. Your heart craves for those moments with him.
The meaning you put to it, that he is losing interest of you, is most likely not true.
Most people don't lose interest that fast. Especially when that kind of attraction and connection that used to be there.
In fact, just maybe, he has seen you beyond your beauty, beyond your novelty, that he has started to feel a deeper connection with you within those silent moments. Who knows?
And that you have not been looking the best when you saw him? Most likely not true either. Especially with the way men subconsciously perceive value in a woman's looks.
2. Re-sensitize Yourself and Attune Your Heart to His.
To be frank, I am kind of reluctant to use the word "sensitive", although it has it's own profound meaning.
The problem is that, most women that I know claim themselves to be sensitive, but what they actually mean is that they are simply easily hurt because they are overthinking things.
This is not the kind of awareness that I am talking about.
I choose the word "Attuned" instead. I feel that the word "Attune" is more intuitively related to your receptiveness and awareness to his feelings, and to your feelings, and about how things that he does makes you feel.
It is how receptive you are to other's feelings.
It is how receptive you are to your own feelings.
When you are attuned to him, you are on the same page with him. This is when you create an emotional connection with your man.
3. Acceptance to The Fact That Men are Different from You
... and that they'd better be. For otherwise, there will just be no attraction.
Imagine if your men is as gentle and feminine as you are. You probably won't find him attractive at all. Similarly, a man wouldn't want to date 'another man'.
This is where you come by as the feminine beautiful goddess that he is attracted to. Because you are different.
Let me give you an example:
Accept that fact that he loves to watch his favorite sports team together with you and bond with you over it,
because he thinks that when the two of you support the same team, you connect with him over the mutual feeling over the victory...... or the defeat of the team.
If you think, "Wow, I have zero interest in sports... I will find it boring.... Why doesn't he bond with me over a romantic candlelit dinner, when we talk about our feelings??"...
... then, I totally feel you, my dear friend.
And I am not saying that you shouldn't be honest to him about how you feel about him always picking that option for a date.
You can always tell him, with a feminine tone and gentle smile, that sometimes you prefer to go for a candlelit dinner for a quiet night with him.
This is actually very attractive to a man, because of 2 reasons:
First, when you communicates your wants and allow him to fulfill that, you actually presents a challenge that when he manage to conquer it, it will make him feel like a man.
Second, in his subconscious mind, he will realize how different the two of you are, and how feminine romantic and soft you are, he will find you attractive in a deeper level.
However, my point is, if you try to feel him, from his perspective; breathe and feel the way he yell over his team's victory and hug you....
... or those times when he cried and hug you when his team loses... you'll probably start to see where he is coming from :)
4. Be More Compassionate to Him Because, Sometimes, They Too Find You Confusing
.... because of that innate differences.
He might be wondering why you are so crazy about flowers... and handbags.... and not to mention, that candlelit dinner.... whereby all you do is talking and staring at each other in a dark room... That's not much of an activity to him...
He's also wondering why you put so much cream over your face and body... and why you have so much hair... on the floor, in the shower, on the bed... everywhere!
You see, he too makes an effort to understand you. Take the time to appreciate him for those small but meaningful effort that he is doing to understand you.
5. Understand That Most of The Time, In a Man's Mind, Attraction is Not Love
To us women, falling in love feels like this:
"Oh my God.. he's so handsome... look at that arm... and that penetrating eyes... and that deep voice that shatters my spine every time he speaks....
Oh God, I wish he's my boyfriend... I wish he'd do anything for me... sweep me off my feet... propose to me in a sunset beach... and marry me in a beautiful white wedding...
Oh I love him so much.... I'd die without him."
To a man, that's simply attraction.
When a man feels that much admiration for you, equivalent to the way you feel, he may not necessarily feel what you perceive as 'love'.
To him, finding you sexy is simply attraction.
To him, you finding him handsome and manly is simply attraction. Not love.
In fact, you should feel relieved when he stops praising you about how beautiful and how sexy you are as what he did out of strong feeling of attraction and excitement in the beginning of the relationship.
Especially when he started to respond subtly differently to you when you talk about your feelings about things throughout the day.
Because that means, he has viewed you in a deeper level than your outer appearance.
When a man starts to feel your beauty from the inside; when a man starts to feel comfortable connecting with you; how you look does not matter anymore. You are beautiful to him no matter how you look...
.....which brings me to the next point.....
6. Understand That They Are Creature of Action
... and this means talking simply won't work.
When they love you, they prove it with their action.
When they commit to you, they prove it with their action.
The action of consistently providing for you, giving you his hard-earned money every month, is a form of commitment.
The action of fulfilling his promises to you, is a form of commitment.
The action of repairing your fence and spending his whole Sunday doing it, like he said he would, is a form of commitment.
That is to say, a man can commit to you, even with minimum attraction, when he emotionally and subconsciously choose to.
A man, unlike us, sees no point sitting down talking about it. It's just pointless to them.
Consequently, they will find it pointless to repeatedly hear the word "I love you!" from you, especially when the two of you just met for 3 months and that so called 'love' that you claim you feel for him is yet to be proven with time.
Some men even find it annoying and irritating to repeatedly hear the word "I love you!" from you when there's no real form of it.
If you are perceived to still be open to any other man, or if you are still flirting with other men, your words won't seem to sync with your action.
It will start to sound like a broken record that has no meaning to it.
They will take it with skepticism and say "Many people say things they don't mean."
I know, we women sometimes do have intense fear surrounding a man's commitment. And we need consistent assurance about it.
What if we give birth to his child and then he tell a sexy stunning girl that crosses his path, that we are "simply the mother of his children" and nothing more? Well, that hurts, doesn't it.
But nevertheless, that's what it is in the eye of a man. They do it by action, not talking.
You see, understanding is key. When you start with awareness and understanding, you will, at least, have a clearer map on how to get your points across.
So, men express their love with action,
AND yet you still need to .... (read next point)
7. Know and Accept That, Sometimes, The Way They Express Love May Not be The Same Way as What You Perceive as an Expression of Love
Every time my husband is down with flu or fever, he tries to minimize physical contact with me.
He doesn't want to spread his sickness to me, and the children.
Despite knowing very well of his good intention and how much he truly cares for me, I still can't help but feeling the pain....
...the pain in my heart when he pushes me away gently so that we don't breathe the same air....
.... or even get carried away to kiss.
Deep in my heart I wish he knows, that I wouldn't mind sharing the flu with him, just as long as I can get close to him.
But I guess I know what he's feeling and I respect that.
That's just the way he loves me.
8. Understand That They May Have Never Experienced Any Deep Connection with Any Woman and Therefore Don't Understand The Value In It
....and this is more common than you can ever imagine. Many men enter into a relationship and marriage just for the sake of having a family and raising children.
They even just go for any woman who is simply interested enough in him, and to give birth to his children.
Also, those "forever bachelor" guys who keeps changing girlfriend and just vow to never settle down.
As a result, they push you for sex, because they think sex is the foundation of 'love'.
Well, now you are going to blow his mind, with your gift of unconditional love that heals him inside... and opens his eyes to the deeper realm of emotional connection.
9. Understand That They May Not Know That You Need Commitment
... because some of them have never witnessed commitment before.
Some of them have never witnessed the kind of commitment that you want , in their entire life!
Perhaps they are not fortunate enough to have a male role model in their family. Perhaps they are raised by a single mother. Perhaps their parents are not married. Perhaps their dads are abusive drunk deadbeats who beats their moms.
As a result, they have nobody to look up to in terms of how to deal with women and relationship.
I feel for these men. Just because of this, some of them are even labeled as 'creeps' and 'losers' just for being nervous around women.
And it's not even their fault to be in that position, to begin with.
As women with abundance of love in us, it's time to touch them, and communicate to them, what kind of commitment a woman need from them, and how we want to be treated by a gentleman.
Following the above steps, you need to remember, that the most important aspect in a relationship, is trust.
That means your gut tells you, even at the slightest bit, that you can trust him.
Trust that he has a good intention.
Trust that he doesn't just come to your life to take value out of you.
Trust the connection that you have with him.
Trust in the process of a true relationship.
Trust that time will prove.
You can only sincerely truly do the above steps in a way that he will perceive as value, if you are willing to at least try to trust him.
Now, you have heard from me. What do you think? Is there anything else you'd like me to add into this post? Simply comment on the comment section below and contact me if you have anything to share.
The Profound Woman