Are you wondering if you should initiate a conversation with a man?
Did you meet an interesting guy on a networking event / a bar, and he gave you his business card?
Or, has your man not been contacting you for a few days?
You must be thinking, "I miss him, but the chase is so much more fun :( What should I do?".
Or, "If I text him first, does that make me the pursuer?"
I get it. We women are faced with these kinds of dilemma all the time. What do we do about it?
Where the dilemma sources from, and why do we feel it.
When it comes to the man we like, and whether we should make the first move, we are often faced with a dilemma.
We are wondering, on and on, if we should or should not send that text to him.
"He's so cute. I miss him. I wish we are connecting. Should I text him first now? What should I say? What time? Isn't he busy now? Should I do that later? Oh no, I'm scared things will change for the worse. I'm scared it's gonna get awkward..... Oh no, I suddenly lost the mood. Nah, later....... maybe?..... Wait...., why isn't HE texting me? Oh no, I'm not interesting enough for him.... :( "
Look at the kind of thoughts that comes to our mind.... Why do we agonize so much about it?
It is because, sometimes, the act of initiating a contact feels contrary to our innate feeling and desire as a woman.
Deep in our soul, we want to be pursued. We want to be the radiant beauty who attracts people around us. We want to be the gentle and soft being who receive things, instead of the one who create things.
Deep in our soul, we yearn for that man who sees the beauty in us and claims our soul to be his one and only.
We yearn for that strong man who sees right through us and lead us to a deep emotional state that we've never felt before.
Does such a man really exist? Or is it possible that we create our own destiny? Can we make the man we like to do what we deeply desire?
And.... we are scared, what if we mess up?
What if we text something and look stupid?
What if.... he sees our messages, and because there's not much attraction to begin with, he just... "Nah.." and get even more disinterested in us?
What if he ignores us? Isn't it gonna be a blow to our ego?
What if... when he sees our texts, he was busy, or having rough day, that instead of getting happy seeing our messages, he associates us with that negative feeling that lingers forever?
What if we look desperate and makes him wanna run miles away from us?
The truth is, most men are not that judgemental. Really.
Most men are not busy judging you. They are more worried about whether or not you like him, whether or not he has impressed you, and eventually, whether you want to have sex with him.
A man will almost always open to the idea of women approaching him, because, well, more women means more opportunity for sex.
It is us women who are quick to judge whether or not we are interested in a man. When an 'uninteresting' man approaches us, we just feel that instant "Bah.." in our mind.
But the same doesn't apply for men towards us. We are different.
Moreover, people don't want to be judged. High value people are also not too busy judging others.
They wish they are understood, and forgiven. Even when they do something wrong to you.
And sometimes they don't even know that their action hurts you.
When you think a man is ignoring you, most of the time he doesn't even know that they are ignoring you. He just simply finding no purpose texting or calling you. Doesn't mean he intends to hurt you.
Why we should stop speculating, if we want to develop a true, deep connection.
Because, the real true deep connection stems from knowing the truth about what someone is truly feeling.
There could be a few possible reasons why a man are not texting you.
It could be because he is generally a shy guy and doesn't know how to deal with women. Perhaps he had some past failures with women. Perhaps he was being ridiculed because of that failure.
It could be because he is not sure if you would like him back. It means, he has the same hesitation as you do.
It could be because he is simply not in the position to do that. And this could mean a lot of things. This could be because he is already married, or already emotionally committed to a woman. This could be because he feels that he is yet to have the financial resources to make a woman happy to be his woman.
It could be because simply he is not that interested yet in you. Because perhaps he just have yet to see the value in you.
It could be because he simply has decided that he is not interested in you. Because he does not perceive value to what you could offer. By that, I mean your type of feminine energy is not the kind that he is attracted to.
But whatever the reasons that we have thought about like that, you would never know unless you truly find out. That also, if you decide whether it is worth finding out.
In other words, do you care about him enough to find out.
And admit it, honestly, that deep down in you, you don't have to read about the reasons we discussed above to be able to think of those possible reasons. You probably would have thought of the above possibilities, if you truly open up you heart and mind, and try to imagine how it might feel like to be him.
And remember, that all the above possibilities, are just, well, possibilities. It doesn't reflect the truth.
If you truly crave for a connection with a man, you should, as the word suggest, connect with him.
That means, you truly engage in him and find out how he is truly feeling. And then see if you do feel the same way as the way he does. Or at least whether you can see where he is coming from.
You wouldn't know what truly happens, unless you care enough to find out.
If you truly crave for a connection with a man, you should open up your heart and let him in.
It will definitely take a great deal of courage and vulnerability, but without it, it is impossible to connect with anyone.
Even if he started being vulnerable and open first.
In the end of the day, if you are not opening up and being vulnerable to him, he won't feel satisfied and will move on. Because the connection just isn't there.
Emotional attraction and connection is the reason a man stays invested in a relationship. Without it, there's just not much reason for him to stay.
So, how does this 'opening up' looks like in the context of texting?
Let me give you an example:
"Hi Brendon, this is Mia, Mia Watson. We met yesterday at the event. I hope we can keep in touch :) Btw, I've been wondering, why did you leave so early?"
"Hi Jake :)" "Are you still busy with that project you are entrusted with?" "I was wondering why the other day you suddenly stopped replying me. What happened?"
"Jim..." "Why are you so quiet?"
"Jonathan, we are supposed to have a date yesterday, and you're not turning up. What's wrong?"
You see, when you truly care for someone, it doesn't matter if you are asking the right question. You show that him that you care. That he matters. That his response matter to you.
The world is full of people who doesn't care. When you do care, you make a difference.
The only one who should decide.
No one can decide for you, whether you should or should not text a man first.
The only one who can is you. Yourself. When you listen to the deepest desire in your heart. And how you feel about your surroundings and situations.
When you feel that butterfly in your stomach, that you're so excited to reconnect with him again? Sure, go ahead text him.
When you miss him so much, your heart is aching for him... Sure, go ahead text him.
But one thing you should not do....
...is when you do it simply because of the feeling of obligation. In whatever form it is.
What do I mean?
It is that feeling, that makes you text him, just because you simply think he's a great catch, although you are not that attracted to him, just because you are afraid of missing a great deal. Who knows that, after some time, some attraction will pop up, and who knows he's your future husband, right? Well, at least you've got a husband, right?
Or, it's that feeling that, you're actually lazy to text him, but you text him anyway, because after all somebody says that dating is a game of number, right?
You see, when your body tells you that somehow you are lazy to text him, it truly means something.
Don't ignore that feeling.
It simply means, you're just not that interested in him. Or at least not now.
Even if when you're simply tired.
What's the point of this whole thing?
Attraction is not something that you choose. You can't choose attraction. It is, or it isn't there.
And if you are tired, how will you be able to be present for him?
I was once in a speed dating event, and met this guy who showed interest in me. He talked to me during the event, and finally gave me his business card.
He wanted to walk me down to my car, but I refused, for a reason that I don't know myself. I guess it's just my gut feeling. I guess he is pretty handsome and tall, and seem to have a pretty good job, it's just that I generally don't feel much comfort around people, especially men, who come on very strong, out of the context of the relationship.
It's just funny, how a man look so good on paper, doesn't make me feel attraction.
I was single and young at that time. I could choose to think that if I could give him some time, maybe I'll get to be really attracted to him.
And with the way he was interested in me, I believe I could just lay back and let him do the chase, and there I have a relationship, just for the sake of it.
But I really was just... lazy.
One day, five years later, I suddenly remembered him! Out of nowhere.
So I searched my name card holders and... finally found him... by the design and company name of his business card.... not even by his name... I had even forgotten his name.
So I texted him... I told him my name and where we met. I apologized for taking this long to text him. I told him that he suddenly came up in my mind and I am wondering how he is doing.
To my surprise, he actually still remembered me. He confirmed so by complementing about my hobby.
He was dating someone (and now married to that person) and I have married someone else too. But we are friends and keeping in touch like about once a year until now.
So the truth is, I never really feel any attraction for him. I know that he is handsome and tall, and all that, and would certainly make a good husband.... but... well... I've got him as a friend instead. How cool is that? :)
You see, the thing is, when you knew someone and that person makes an impression in you, even in the tiniest bit, sooner or later you will remember that person. And then you will start wondering how he has been doing. And then you will want to be in touch with him.
When you do that, it is the most genuine desire to contact a man.
What about contacting him out of boredom?
I believe that it is okay to contact a man out of boredom, as long as you offer value first.
It's like randomly texting a few guys, using copy paste, saying "Hi"....
It doesn't offer any value to them. You don't even address them specifically by their name. You are just greeting anyone who comes your way and see if they are willing to entertain you.
Any self-respecting man will not want to respond to that. Unless he is also desperate for some kind of 'boredom breaker' and attention of any sort.
If you get someone to entertain you, without offering any value first, isn't that called 'using people'?
Let me give you an example of how you create value, even when you have nothing:
You can text a guy like this, when you're bored.
"Hi Kevin! It's been a long time? How have you been since that day you nailed that presentation?"
"You know, lately I've been feeling lonely, as if there's nothing much in life to be excited about.... You have any suggestion?"
Firstly, you are bored about your life, so you are interested to hear what he has to say about his life.
You come from a genuine interest about his life. That's why you contacted him.
Secondly, you are being open and vulnerable about that you are lonely and bored.
Thirdly, you are presenting a challenge for him to solve, if he even care at all. (You will soon find out too if he cares for you, from his response.)
This ability to create something from nothing, even from something you think you don't have, is valuable in the eye of a man.
Not only you are creating value for him, but also value for yourself. Because you made it easy for everyone to feel excited.
If you have no effort to get things better and more exciting, no matter what he does for you, eventually you will be back into that boredom of yours.
If you truly are shy ; some wisdom about waiting..
I understand that sometimes we are really shy. Really, really shy.
It's just something that's natural in us. We like someone, and we just can't help feeling the thrill of it. Part of us want to get to that deeper level of connection and romance, and yet another part of us seem to enjoy the bitter sweet of the thrill of that chase.
That attraction makes us feel so alive. It gets us excited to get up in the morning and start our activity.
Perhaps we have yet to get the slightest hint that he is also attracted to us. And we just don't want to ruin that built up anticipation before that attraction becomes mutual.
Perhaps, it just what it is; that we are shy.
If this is what you truly feels, deep in you, then follow your heart.
Because probably that's just what is appropriate based on your situation.
That shyness is the way your body react to your situation.
You see, the thing is, when you like someone, your natural body language and your vibe will show that interest to that person.
You will make an impression on him. Your energy will attract him.
When you come into someone's life makes an impression on him, whether it is subtly slow or a little fast, depending on your unique natural energy as a woman, no matter how subtle, sooner or later, someday somehow, he will remember you.
He will start to wonder how you have been doing in your life.
And when that time comes, he will find you.
You see, a man is resourceful. And you'd better be with a man who is resourceful and strong.
When a resourceful man wants to reach you, he will find all ways to get to you.
Especially if you had ever given him a slightest clue of your contact.
If apparently, after that long of a hope, that faithful day just never turn up, then he is just not meant for you.
Why would you be with a man who is not attracted to you anyway?
If after understanding this you still like him and can't let him go, you can choose to either just take in and suffer into that pain and regret, or probably it's your time to build up your courage and reach to him.
By the way, it is okay to suffer in pain and regret. It will form you into the person that you supposed to become, by nature.
Without your past pain and regret, you will not be who you are today.
You wont have all these unique thoughts that is special only in you, because no one could ever experience exactly what you gone through.
Even when two people experience the same event, they can have two completely different perception about it.
So follow your heart. Believe in the process of life. Because the universe will support you. It will show you the way to the best possible outcome for you.
Follow your heart and let things progress naturally. Then you will get what is truly meant for you.
That's how I feel about initiating a contact with a man. What do you do when you are in a dilemma? Do you listen to what your heart tells you to do? Or are you following a system? Write me down a comment below and let me know what you think.
With love, always,
The Profound Woman