Have you been afraid to text a man first because you are afraid to be perceived as desperate?
Have you been worrying too much about what he thinks and it stops you from messaging him?
Are you afraid to be perceived as desperate and therefore having no value?
What is Desperation and How Does It Look Like
Imagine a situation whereby you are lost in a desert. It's really hot and you are thirsty.
You walk down the way to look for an oasis, and you can't find any.
You're not even sure which way to go and where you are going.
And just before you thought you're going to die, a merchant passed by on his camel.
You stopped him and begged him for some water.
To your surprise, he said yes, you could...
....only if you agree to have sex with him.
What would you do in this situation?
Would you rather survive and let him have his way, or would you rather die than exchanging yourself with some resources.
Or , will your answer depend on how attractive he is?
Imagine another situation whereby you are in the mid forties and you are still single.
And yet, you do wish to have a family on your own, and have children.
Or you simply feel pressured by the people around you who judge you for not being good enough as a woman just because you are single.
Will you go around hitting on every hot blooded man and have sex with him hoping that he will like you and marry you?
Or will you acknowledge that pain in you and let it accompany you.... surrender to it and let it guide you to get to where you want to be? And at the same time staying true to who you are?
Now, imagine another situation whereby you are in a bad stomach ache and you really need to go.
There are ten people ahead of you queuing for the cubicle. And you really really have to go.
What would you do?
Would you go forward and beg the people there to let you go first?
Or will you just give up because you didn't have the guts to ask them because you are so afraid of the rejection and scoldings that may come with it?
Or you are simple too nice of a person and you think it wouldn't be nice to get yourself prioritized just because you are being too urgent?
If you realize, the three illustration above are desperation for needs and wants.
When you are struck in a desert and dying for water, or when you are so poor you can't afford a loaf of bread, you are in a real desperation as they are needed for survival.
Whereas when you are simply wanting to have a family before your reproduction organ deteriorate, or simply want to get married before everybody around you judges you, or your desire to get admitted to an ivy league school with a scholarship, these things are self-induced perception-based desperation as without it your life can still go on. Those are simply wants.
Now, I'm not saying that your wants are not important.
I'm not saying you should ignore the deepest desire in you.
I'm not saying you should live a mediocre life, without dreams and hope and that pain of craving something to achieve in life.
Nor that I belittle that pain you feel when you want something so bad.
I'm not oblivious to your deepest desire just because I'm not you and that frankly speaking I can never truly understand how important those deep desires in you.
I am simply pointing out two possible ways to subcategorize forms of desperation.
I'd like you to see, that maybe, just maybe, you forgot that ther'es still many things in thils life that you can celebrate about yourself.
Why desperation is unattractive.
Imagine you are walking down a street, when suddenly a homeless man stopped you, while lying down on the pavement.
You were startled and look down to where he is, and he said to you, "Please.... I need food.... It's painful....."
What would you instantly feel at such a circumstance? What crosses your mind?
Is it like, "Wow,... how long hasn't this guy eaten? Oh gosh, if I hand't eaten for as long as he had, would I still be alive? I can't imagine being in his situation..."
Or is it a digust like "Ewww... his hands are filthy... how dare he grabbed my ankles... how long hasn't he showered?"
Or is it like "Nah, he's not going to benefit me in any way, why should I bother? it's not my problem"
Now, what about when you come across a man who is so desperate for sex, he even beg you to have it with him, or even offered you money to have sex with you, right of the bat?
Now, I'm not talking about a man who provide for you because he cares for you and that he has earned that relationship with you.
I'm talking about about a man who just offered you money for sex right of the bat.
What crosses your mind? How does it feel in you, in your body?
Will you like "Oh no, pity him, I wonder how painful it is to be a man in his situation. Oh no, I'm not even a man, how sad that I could never truly understand his pain..."
Or will you be like "Ewww, how gross is it that he can't get any woman to like him so that he has to resort to all these?"
Why desperation takes value.
In all the possible responses you can see that all of them creates negative feelings. It made you sad. It made you scared. It made you disgusted.
This is why desperation takes value.
Because you are left with two choices, both of which you are giving up something.
You are emotionally forced to give up something to help the person. And when you don't , you will feel guilty forever.
This is why desperation is unattractive. This is why desperation takes value.
So, in order to be attractive and valuable to the people around me, am I not allowed to want something so bad, or be desperate, or show any sign of desperation? What if it is truly a genuine craving deep down? Should I betray myself pretending it doesn't exist?
Have you ever helped someone and felt happy afterwards?
Perhaps the homeless man who begs you for a dime, and thanked you many times after you give him one?
Do you realize that both giving and receiving feel wonderful?
Have you also feel happy and grateful for someone who gave you what you badly need at certain moemnt in your life?
Sometimes desperate people do add value, when it is sincere, genuine, and to the right person who can actually do something about it.
So, no, I don't suggest that you not be desperate.
i don't suggest that you be someone you are not, and deny that part of you that craves something.
When you reject a part of you, that part of you will protest in a pathogenic way, because it feel rejected and unloved, and it rebels to be heard.
As a result, there will be a subconscious self-hatred feeling that you didn't not realize.
Have you ever seen a woman who pretends they don't need men and yet every movement they make is a sign of desperation?
One part of successful relationship is if you can love yourself first.
Don't reject or deny any part of you.
Just be honest with yourself, and you will attract someone who can fulfil you. After all there's no point to be in a relationship who doesn't not fulfil you.
It's simply the law of attraction.
Desperation only takes value when it's fake and not out of good intention.